Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
