i always forget guys have bellybuttons
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have no idea. But that is beside the point bc in vegas I'm a pro vball player from Ireland and a veterinarian on the weekends
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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