My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize