i dedicated my morning wood to you.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
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