where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
