I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
i may or may not be watching the land before time
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I came so hard my ears popped.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
