I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
