i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
