if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I want her autograph on my taint
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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