Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
