Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
