so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
