Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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