That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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