So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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