I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
