I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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