My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
