I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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