I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
