I don't usually arrange sex via text message
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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