I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
me + whiskey = a bad person
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize