so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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