She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
is wine microwaveable?
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
This house was built for laser tag.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
