If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
