i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
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