i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
