Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I enjoy the company of your penis
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
