I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
