I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
