You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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