i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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