How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize