my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
