Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
