Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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