no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
