I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
