Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
