Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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