Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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