when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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