then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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