now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
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