She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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