I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
