just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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