I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
