Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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