eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
