I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
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