the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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