In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
