i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Randomize
