Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
