I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
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