I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
