I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
